Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to Eliminate Judge/Be Judged Mentality
| February 14, 2012 | Posted by mudpiemama under Family, Parenting |
Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions with Other Parents
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.
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Breastfeed or formula feed? Epidural or au-naturel? Organic or conventional? Vaccines or no vaccines? Re-usable or disposable diapers? Time-outs or Time-ins? Crib or Co-sleeping? School, homeschool or unschool? The questions seem so simple on the surface but most parents know, the choices, the possibilities are endless and these questions have started wars in the parenting world.
In my experience, pretty much the day the pregnancy test has two lines on it, parenting advice will be dished out as rapidly as those little cells that are replicating and transforming inside the womb. Decisions about pre-natal care, delivery options, how to feed, where to put baby to sleep, what “method” works and so on… the information comes overflowing, the advice abundant and no sooner will you be sure of your decisions, someone will disagree with you.
Watching others parent in ways that are so contrary to one’s own can be difficult, even infuriating at times and lead to passing judgement. Not following advice from a loved one or a trusted friend might feel wrong or disloyal or perhaps make one feel judged.
In my first year of motherhood, insecure and “green” I put my foot in my mouth more often than a five month old discovering his feet, and I’ll admit it – I sometimes judged other mama’s all too quickly.
Judging and feeling judged however I have learned often comes from a place of insecurity or perhaps a sense of being out of control. On the other hand, when we are feeling secure, open hearted and at ease, it is much more difficult for that judge/judgment mentality to enter our thoughts much less weaken our hearts.
Over the past five years, I have worked on finding my “mama-groove”; my way of coping with questions, listening to recommendations, dropping judgement and dealing with potentially bad advice. To maintain inner peace and not lose sight of what is important to me and my family I try to practice these five things:
Being Centered: Regardless if being on the receiving end of the judgment or feeling the need to judge others, taking time to re-center and focus my thoughts on love and compassion and act from a place of peace helps me regain inner balance.
“Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” -unknown
Being Empathetic: Parents go through so many of the same situations, trying to step into another parents shoes and trying to understand what they are going through is a sure fire way to erase judgement and replace it with empathy, understanding and care. It is easy to get caught up on “I will nevers” just to find ourselves in that very situation contemplating the very thing we would never do. As such, I have replaced the “I would never” thinking with empathy and try to keep an open mind.
Being Authentic: Modifying my parenting style just to please a family member or “public” pressure is a trap I have learned to avoid . For the most part I like to follow my instincts and the needs of my family, so although we are adventurous and flexible, being authentic and true to my parenting style is important too.
Being Neutral: In my first year of motherhood I quickly realized that certain parenting topics, are like religion and politics, and best not discussed in certain circles or circumstances. I will not discuss my views on intactivism, CIO, or breastfeeding or non-punitive discipline certain places as I know it will just create upheaval. This is not to mean that I cannot be passionate about these topics, just that I choose where to discuss them.
Being Confident: Sometimes listening to other points of view, agreeing to disagree and moving on is a good way to avoid conflict or feeling judged. Being confident in your own parenting/life choices and trusting your instincts and research can help you know that even if you are hearing information that is incorrect or not grooving with what you believe in, the judge/be judge mentality will not seep in.
Although I have found my mama-groove, I’ll admit it, discussions on spanking can still get me a bit riled up. What parenting topic has the potential to throw you off your groove?
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)
- How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it’s from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
- Judgement is Natural – Just Don’t Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
- Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
- When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
- Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
- Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
- The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother’s groups, etc.
- Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
- Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the “Mommy-space” online.
- Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
- How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles… — Jenny at I’m a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents’ worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
- Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
- Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
- Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
- Carnival of Natural Parenting – Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
- Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
- Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she’s learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
- Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
- Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
- Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
- If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
- Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
- Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
- Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others’ parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
- The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
- Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
- Speaking Up For Those Who Can’t — We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think “Gosh, I wish I said…” This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought “Gosh, I wish I said…”
- Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
- Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
- The Thing You Don’t Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
- 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
- Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
- Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she’d want to meet.
- Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
- Saying “I’m Right and You’re Wrong” Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
- Have another kid and you won’t care — Cassie of There’s a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
- Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
- A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
- Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
- Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
- Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
- Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
- Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
- Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
- Explain, Smile, Escape — Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
- Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
- Linky – Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert’s Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.
[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
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[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
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[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
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Great tips! I agree that judgment can stem from our own insecurity. It can also stem from simply not considering where that other parent is coming from – we just cannot know what led up to the moment we happen to be judging.
Dionna – totally agree, the snap shot moments that we witness aren’t always the “whole” truth!
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I agree, spanking is a hot topic and one that makes me fume too. I generally try to stay neutral myself, and merely smile and nod if someone criticises my parenting style.
This is a great action list, thanks for sharing this!
yes, just today at playgroup a parent was telling another parent to just smack their kid if he was whining – i never know if I need to hold myself back or try to offer alternatives because I feel bad for the child…not easy!
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“Judging and feeling judged however I have learned often comes from a place of insecurity or perhaps a sense of being out of control.” Amen. I remember a favorite saying my sixth grade teacher had. She’d often say, “Don’t blow out someone else’s candle to make yours brighter.” This really applies to parenting. Many times when we’re questioning another parenting style and/or getting defensive about our own it’s because we are seeking validation that we truly are doing what’s right for our family and our children. As mothers, we care deeply about our work and we want to know we’re doing our best. I try to keep this in mind when interacting with my fellow mothers – even those who do things very differently than I do. I really try not to judge or blow out someone else’s candle, and I try to remember that when others question my parenting style, they’re really not trying to attack me. They’re trying to make sense of their own convictions.
At any rate, this is great post chock full of practical advice – thank you!
wow i love that candle saying – its so very true. thank you for your insights!
Thanks for this great post! I agree it definitely seems like a “turf war” in some ways!! What’s really fun is when the parenting advice starts flooding in just because people know you are TTC! I don’t know how many times I’ve already said “Yes, we will try to breastfeed as long as our baby wants!” Hehe!! The real topic that gets me totally riled up though is babywearing! I just have a hard time understanding why someone would NOT want to hold their baby close, and don’t see the argument of “coddling them too much”. I could be wrong, but so far I’ve never seen anyone go off to college still wanting to be carried by their mum so it’s all good in my mind! Awesome post mama!
Arpita thank you for your comment – TTC advice also seems to lead to confrontations – I remember someone telling me to ‘relax’ and well i don’t know anyone ttc that wants to hear that one
[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions. [...]
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[...] – keys to respectful interactions with other parents | MUMmedia on The Thing You Don’t KnowFinding your mama-groove: 5 ways to Eliminate Judge/Be Judged Mentality | MudpieMama on The Thing You Don’t KnowKenna on The Thing You Don’t Know@MBJunction on The Thing [...]
For me lately (and it changes a lot), my issue is confrontational language. Every time I hear a mom say, “He’s just being defiant,” “Don’t let him win,” “You have to be the boss,” I just cringe inside. My kid and I are on the same team! There’s no winning for either of us unless we both win.
I try to keep my mouth shut when I hear these words, because I know I’m going to blow my top if I let myself get going. Once or twice recently, though, I’ve opened my mouth on that issue, and it hasn’t ever gone well. I can’t seem to discuss it in a way that is gentle enough for anyone to listen. Either that, or it’s just so far off anyone’s radar that I do not, in fact, think it’s important to “win all the battles” that they don’t know what to make of me, or they think I’m going to raise little hellions who will get into drugs by the time they’re 14. One or the other.
Sheila – I hear you, it is hard to hear those “don’t let them win” type comments. I keep wondering, win what? there’s a medal at the end of this or something? better be a big one then
I love the way you write, and I love your centering meditation. I agree being empathetic heads off most arguments and judgments before they can gather steam. Thanks for these tips!
wow Lauren, what a nice thing for you to say, I’m so touched! thank you!!
Centered, empathetic, authentic, neutral, and confident: great reminders!
Thanks Mandy!
Great post. There’s lots of stuff that I refuse to discuss in certain places or with certain people because I just know that it will lead to trouble!
My parenting flashpoint is CIO / CC ~ for the life of me, I cannot understand how people can opt to ignore the neurological evidence against it, or why it is deemed ‘essential’. Just don’t get it at all ~ what evolutionary purpose would it serve for a child to *need* to be left to cry in order to develop the skill of independence? Aaaaarrgghhhh, I’d better stop now or this will turn into a major rant!
Rant away, I’ll be happy to listen
thank you for your comment!
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Empathy goes a long way for me in avoiding judgement. I learned to get past the idea that I have all the answers when I chose to use CIO. I had been SO judgey in my head about “those moms” who do CIO. Then, I reached my own breaking point. The baby was crying inconsolably no matter what I did, and my husband and I both were getting desensitized to it despite our best intentions. So we used Ferber and within three nights she was sleeping all night. She also used to scream and cry if left with my husband for more than an hour. (He’s a loving and attentive father who would play, snuggle, and hold her close through all of this). That behavior disappeared after sleep training.
I think much parenting advice is aimed at giving moms permission to take an easier road and stop being so hard on ourselves in our quest to be perfect mothers. That’s what people wanted for me when they were telling me about CIO and I refused. That’s what my aunt wanted when she warned me how “hard” cloth diapers are. So I did CIO. I love the cloth diapers though, wouldn’t give them up for anything!
To answer your question, I have trouble staying calm about the vaccine debate. Most parents’ choices for their child don’t directly affect my child. But I can’t help but view those who don’t vaccinate as risking my baby’s health as well. Additionally, my mom is a polio survivor. I have a vivid picture of the ways these diseases can ravage people.
Rachel – I’m sorry things got so tough that you had to go against your initial beliefs and turn to CIO but I know lack of sleep is one hard thing to deal with and it sounds like it was a hard decision for you to make. thank you for sharing your experience.
[...] Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to Eliminate Judge/Be Judged Mentality {MudpieMama} What spoke to me most about this post was your own confidence and “centered” feeling. If you feel at peace and secure with your life and decision, it will be harder for the Judge/Be Judged mentality to enter our thoughts and weaken our hearts. [...]
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I think one of my only hot buttons is breastfeeding. I find it hard to refrain from judging people who never tried to breastfeed. And I tend to pipe up pretty quickly when people bring up a breastfeeding myth as fact. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it, but sometimes I really just want to make sure people have their facts right.
yes – it’s hard sometimes to clarify those myths and point people in a good direction! thanks for stopping by!
Great suggestions. I absolutely cannot play nice when it comes to circumcision. I feel like it crosses all kinds of lines of basic human decency, and so I feel justified in being ruthless in defending body integrity. The worst is if I hear that a parent is planning to circumcise… I have actually lost sleep wishing that I could talk them out of it. People I barely know. So I try to avoid those conversations (and learning about other people’s decisions) as much as possible.
Elena, thank you for your thoughts – I hear you on the lost sleep!
I’m tired of friends who are not mothers and are not pregnant, judging and condemning mine or other parenting techniques! How to shut up my inner conscience telling me to smack them?